The ex Gladiator and I were following a trail that led to Drakkenhall, so far so nasty, but all in the name of getting some answers and giving you fucks something interesting to talk about with your friends at whatever dinner parties we’re not getting invites to. You want the background, buy some back issues and send me the royalties. I’m not running a charity
All is going as well as can be expected of a boat ride on the middle sea. Omen looms darkly, an eyesore on the landscape. I admire it a bit though. A physical fuck you to the powers that-be.
This world is too great, too gorgeous and too full of life to be pressed under the manicured fingers of the Archmage and her puppets. Plus the lack of undead means that nasty little island also flips the bird to the one eyed Queen. I’ve got some love for that place.
Not enough to go there though.
I’m just finishing what passes for “food” on board the Green Lady (I will pay you to burn the ship and its shitheel captain) when we hear the news. Stopover at Newport. No reason given.
Orders of the Empress long may she whatever.
Kicked off and into Newport.
Fuck Newport. It’s a non-story. Been a non-story for hundreds of years. Yeah, a place so dull that in 300 years it’s STILL called “new” port because those are the only interesting things to note. It’s new and it has a port. Eurch.
We do what any sane individual would do. We hit the bars. And when you’ve got a Bard and Barbarian combo we do mean hit. Boys. Beers. Barrels. And then it all got a bit hazy. I think there was a point where Lytal was lifting up a Paladin with one hand and singing a song whose lyrics are so blue they are basically magical. But who knows?
Hangovers. They were mighty. And not helped by the less than salubrious accommodation. Still, we didn’t stay there long and we won’t be going back and no, I’m not naming names. You can go get drunk in Newport yourself and find out. As it happens, all the guests decided to fuck off en masse so we heading to, yes, another bar.
In case you were wondering if Newport really is the melting pot it claims to be the melting seems to have caused burn damage. Met a half orc kid suffering from institutionalised racism and a dark elf on the wrong side of racial profiling plus a side order of having his companion spider take away. So much for sensitivities to subculture.
That said, we were helpfully assisted by some local guards who kindly provided us with a map of the city and so despite being out-of-pocket and in need to get another ticket to Drakkenhall (already my editor is shouting about my expense account) I guess things could be worse.
What it does mean is I need to look for a bit of work on the side. Which is more grist to the mill of giving you fuckos something to read in the morning because journalism is not for the weak of will or those slacking off. What I do to let you lot pretend you have a life.
Rumour has it that there’s something gone a bit awry round Newport way which should perhaps be cause for a parade to celebrate the quadrupling of Local Interest. There will be Tourist Infomation points (if there were any) hanging up bunting. Turns out some escaped prisoners killed a load of guards then burned down the Watchhouse. Plus there seems to be all kinds of strange strangers suddenly taking an interest in the new kids in town.
Thus far I’ve got a lead on a bunch of supposed Heirophant followers, one of whom had a Mother of Liches necklace and were not as dead as you’d have liked from your standard corpse. Turns out that someone has been very naughty and hired Cambion Assassins to fuck up an offering from the Great Gold Wyrm whose mighty buttness alas can’t be with us due to being in the Abyss. Super sad.
Might have worked out a bit better if that someone had enough gold to pay for Assassins with slightly longer daggers. I’ll let you add your own jokes about length and girth. I’m too pro to cater for your tastes.
Seems like there might be a story here after all. On it like a fashionable Axis bonnet.
Final note – don’t leave Newport at night, however much you might want to. You will be chased by fucking wolves. I can’t even. Fucking Wolves. Fucksakes.